After what feels legit like a 10 year hiatus, "hello again!" I decided, after not much thought, that I'd like to start sharing again. Through writing, recipes, random thoughts, helpful tips. You get the idea. I feel like I have a lot to share. So here we go again!
I'm an oldish (37yrs, 87 if I am only as old as I feel) mother of three amazing kids. L-14yr old girl, R-12 yr old boy, and then there's B- my 3.5 yr old who has yet to master the art of using the toilet to relieve himself! All. Boy. I'm wife to my sweet Jason. My days are full. Full. While raising up healthy, smart kids, and caring for my husband and our home, I think I've lost a little piece of me. And I think that's okay! I've imparted much of what I've lost to my family, out of love. Isn't that what we do? Love sacrificially? Someday everyone will be out doing their own lives and I'll have time for me. To soak in the tub. Read a real grown up book. Drink some coffee without worrying about a crazy little person spilling it all over everything. And someday, I will be SAD. WAHH!! I LOVE our life. I enjoy our busy days. Every moment. Every thing. Just a few weeks ago, after a year of working outside the home, I gave up my "day job" (and a generous paycheck) helping my extended family open a new restaurant- to better focus on my home and family and our health. I am so grateful, so very blessed to be at home with our baby boy and to be home everyday when the big kids get home. Just priceless. I LOVE my "job."
That being so emphatically said, I am SICK. I suffer daily *unnecessarily* with nearly debilitating symptoms of autoimmune disease. I'm currrenlty battling a nasty case of what appears to be a plaque psoriasis/eczema sort of rash on my arm. It's misery. All because -FOOD. And that is why I say *unnecessarily.* I have chosen to take on my former, extremely unhealthy eating behaviors and I have made myself very ill. Educated on the matter. Knowing FULL WELL what I was choosing was disease. I've gone through a very difficult season of life and have come out the other side. For sure. But I didn't do so with grace. No patience. No spiritual growth. Just anger. No stronger resolve. Just bitterness. And an extra large plate FULL of heartburn, brain fog, joint and nerve pain, degenerative disc disease, IBS, skin disorders, hair loss, and zero sex drive. With a side of 40 extra lbs to carry around. Oh, and crazy BAD, real, life-altering FATIGUE. Real. Cute. To say I'm disappointed in myself is not enough.
These are not fun things to "deal with" as a busy wife and mom. There's no time to be sick. To be tired. To not give your all. And my ALL isn't enough anymore. It's just not enough with all of the responsibilities I have. My husband of nearly 15 years...godly, sweet, and kind, has gained 60lbs in just a few short months!! He is miserable physically and in a down mood more than ever. After he realized how sick I was getting, he stopped requests for healthy meals to ease up on my "burden" of preparing meals at home. He doesn't say a word about it! In my fog and lack of energy, I have, on too many occasions, placed a greasy bag of fast food (or prepared at home something equally offensive) in front of him to power down. And he would. Reluctant, but hungry enough to just "get it over with" for my sake. Over time, his body started craving sugar again, and he started feeding the cravings. Recipe for disaster. And pre-diabetes, sleep apnea, and an absent libido. Served up with a complete loss of self-esteem at age 40.
Gosh, I feel guilty actually thinking about it from his perspective. To have a sick, shell of a wife. Unable to do anything to make her well again. Not that he has said any of this to me. Hasn't blamed me one bit. In fact he would say something like "did you hold a gun to my head? Did you FORCE me to eat like crap?" Jas has supported me through it all. Encouraging me to do better, but above all to be happy. To care for myself. What a sweet man. He deserves so much better from me. I promised to give him my best. To give our children my best. I'm not doing that while I'm sick. I'm not able. I've chosen to give in to disease-promoting behaviors. So here I am. Here we are.
And now it's time to let it GO! All of it. The habits, the compulsions, the bingeing, the carelessness. And the GUILT. This is where it stops. Change is knocking at the door and it's time to answer, invite it in, sit it down at our table, talk it out, establish some healthy boundaries, and get in agreement that change is here to STAY. Not just for a quick visit, but for a comfortable, cozy, permanent spot at the table. On the couch, when we leave our home, when we are grocery shopping and meal planning, when we feel weak, when we are exhausted. Change will be embraced, LOVED on, and forgiveness and grace will flow in and out like healing waters when we slip up. Some things might not work. But SOMETHING WILL WORK. And that something is focusing more effort and attention on nutrition and movement.
I'm glad we had this talk. Maybe I will hash some things out here again real soon. Would you maybe want to listen? Offer advice?
**If you are in a similar spot and don't want to be, I totally understand. This is not intended to be a judgy post directed at anyone, but rather a confession and hashing out of sorts. Very personal and vulnerably stated. Please don't think I'm pointing my finger at anyone but me!**
Love and More Love,
The Mama Oak
